The IJAMA Ice Cream Code Guide
by Marcus Morgan
E-mail address: marcus@ijama.demon.co.uk
VANILLA
*
o Ice-Cream : Off-white, like so many things with a long list of ingredients, Vanilla is the standard default flavour we all start from...
o Translation : Solid, dependable, everyone can eat (ahem) vanilla. The first flavour we taste, and for many, it's still the best. Others have found more interesting (and chemically improbable) flavours.
o Nickname : If you always eat vanilla ice-cream, your nickname is probably "Mr/Ms. Interesting". Steve Davis loves vanilla ice-cream.
o Usual Chat-Up: "Hello, Do you come here often ?"
STRAWBERRY
*
o Ice-Cream : Pink and indulgent, tasting more like fruit than the fruit itself.
o Translation : You are as camp as a row of tents. If you're female you blend into teenage heteroculture (regardless of your age) and read "Bunty", if you're male then you blend into the drag homoculture and read "Bunty".
o Nickname : "Shazz" or "Trace"
o Usual Chat-Up: "Hello, would you like to see my collection of Peter Andre records [simper] ?"
CHOCOLATE
*
o Ice-Cream : Brown, rich and indulgent. All the calories of ice-cream anyway, plus all the sexiness of chocolate.
o Translation : You are as butch as a cartoon dog that lives with Tom and Jerry (and he IS Butch). You need power, to be in control all the time. Want want want, give give give is your motto. You are direct and to the point when you have decided what (or who) you want. Eeep!
o Nickname : "Sir", or "Ma'am".
o Usual Chat-Up : "Hello, want a fuck ?"
MINT CHOC CHIP
*
o Ice-Cream : Green with suspicious brown lumps, tastes of toothpaste and then suddenly doesn't. Worrying.
o Translation : Hang on, it's a bumpy ride. You'll do anything anywhere, and enjoy a roll around on the grass (green) despite the fact that both you and partner(s) end up covered in flat snails (brown, er, ah).
o Nickname : "Phillips" (You're an unusual screw)
o Usual Chat Up : "Hello, have you ever hung naked over the kitchen table in cling-film [grin] ?"
NEAPOLITAN
*
o Ice-Cream : Three flavours in one, the no-nonsense vanilla in the middle, keeping the extremist factions of chocolate and strawberry apart. In my family the vanilla would always be left in the middle like a lost brick as we'd devour it's more interesting brethren.
o Translation : Er, hang on, what am I today ? Ah today I'm butch, on with the DMs, and chains, er, or was it Femme, out with the satin and floral bits, or was I just going to wear grey or maybe a hat, perhaps I should toss a coin, and do I fancy a man today or a woman, or both, or either, or neither, oh sod it I'm going back to bed.
o Nickname : "Voter" or "Stereotype Bisexual Group Committee member"
o Usual Chat Up: "Hello my name's , oh, goodbye then [sob]"
RASPBERRY RIPPLE
*
o Ice-Cream : White, with red lines running across it, seems quite safe and then suddenly gets tasty.
o Translation : You are a sadomasochist with a strong interest in flagellation. You are quite approachable, and would bend over backwards to be accommodating. When people are asked why they like you they often shrug and say "Beats me!".
o Nickname : You either don't have one or people refer to you in hushed voices as Mr/Mrs./Ms. [Surname].
o Usual Chat Up : "Meet me upstair in 5 minutes and 25 seconds, without any of your clothes on, or you'll never know what you've missed."
PEANUT
*
o Ice-Cream : Looks like maybe fudge or coffee until you put it in your mouth, and then you get a nice/nasty surprise.
o Translation : If your favourite flavour is peanut, you are as sane as a hatter. Completely predictable and normal in every way. Trust me, I know. My favourite flavour is Peanut.
o Nickname : "Old Person's Cake Tin".
o Usual Chat Up : (Said by someone else) "Her over there, hiding behind the fern, she really fancies you, but is too screwed up to come and tell you. No seriously, don't laugh."
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